The Camera Pans To The XTron
“One, two, three! And the winner of the match, Thomas Archer!” The screen comes alive fully, Thomas Archer is constantly rewinding footage of his matches with Tre Golden and Rust Cohle.
“One, two, three! And the winner of the match, Thomas Archer!”
Thomas sighs contently, leaning back in a massive leather chair, smoking a cigar, holding a glass of brandy. He takes a massive swig and sets it down roughly, sloshing it over the designer mahogany surface. He stabs a finger into an intercom.
Archer: Feinstein! Get me an update on Nicholas’ location, and god damn it bring me pictures of that bitch cowards unmasked face, I need more pictures of Mexico Man!
Archer shakes his fist at absolutely no one, then swipes a hand across his desk. He examines it and hastily dusts it off on the side of the chair.
“One, two, three! And the winner of the match…”
Archer abruptly stands up from the chair, sending a cat flying into the air with a screech as he flings his arms into the sky.
Archer: THOMAS! ARCHER! That’s me! The man that has beaten everyone on Turmoil, so came to Riot and is now beating everyone there!”
He sniffs profusely and rubs at his nose.
Archer: And… And…
Archer trails off as he receives a phone call.
Archer: Hello! Oh, hello my humble friend! It is good to hear from you again, yes, everything is going to plan! Oh, you want to finally be here with me? I would love that! No, no, no. It’s not putting me out in any way, United Archer Enterprises has been preparing for this moment. You don’t have to worry about those other shell companies, they were simply trapezoids in order to pave the way for the grand and glorious opening. Yes, we will have balloons and cake.
Archer rubs his nose.
Archer: Happy chalk? Yes, we can start moving that too. I am over the moon that your exalted self… Oh! And your family, yes, that’s even better. What about the assets? The assets! Yes, we are locating one right now. You have him? That’s great!
The conversation continues, albeit a little muffled.
Archer: Oh, you’ve found ways to enhance his performance? That is by far more wonderful! However, I do need to find a way to deal with this El Parca character, he’s a wrestling vigilante, he doesn’t have the best interests at heart for this company at all.
Archer: He’s crap, crap, crap, crap. He’s mega crap. He’s worth about two hundred bucks and should be selling Churros in DisneyLand god damn it. You managed to get me pictures of Julia Roberts in a thong but you can’t get me pictures of..
The phone suddenly rambles loudly, as if Archer is getting a dressing down.
Archer: I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m experiencing something of a chemical imbalance due to stress right now, your benevolence is much appreciated in this trying time. Anyway, ONE! TWO! THREE! THOMAS ARCHER WINS! He pins Tre Boring! He pins Rust Droll! What a maneuver!
Archer: Oh, yes, yes the Admiral Snackbar in the Roadhouse is doing well. The sailor outfits should arrive shortly, Blaine however won’t wear… No, no, I’ve told you this, she is a woman that likes other women. It’s perfectly fine and acceptable, in fact it’s very profitable here in the United States of Archer. I have to make a courtesy call! But I shall see you soon, many blessings and farewells!
Archer abruptly ends the call, and begins dialing a number. There are lots of numbers.
Archer: Aisu, buddy, pal, kimosabe! How’s the vacation? Are you enjoying surfing? Okay, that doesn’t matter all that much. So I beat up Tre Boring and I was wondering… Oh, you’re taking your time off… Oh, not sure when you’ll be back. Well that’s fine I was just… Okay, okay, I get it. A thousand apologies, I will come back to you when you contact me. Enjoy the waves. Goodbye, arigato.
Archer hangs up and begins dialing another number. It rings out, and rings out, and then eventually it clicks through.
Archer: Nicholas! My good friend! I am glad to find you well, we’re putting the band together… Oh you’re at the gym? That’s wonderful! I’m so glad for you, I’ll see you after the break? Awesome, I look forward to it!
He hangs up and grins, looking down at his phone again. It reads “additional assets secured.”
Archer: This is going to be the biggest year in OCW history, ever. Ever, ever, ever!
Archer takes a swig of brandy, turning to his left, seeing a picture of El Parca that has many dart holes on it, a fake drawn on moustache, even though he’s wearing a god damned mask, and some devil horns. He looks at his Pride title with a grin.
Archer: Parca Dos Belts? That fat bitch coward should call himself Parca Tres Chins, AM I RIGHT?!?!
Archer begins cackling to himself before he slings the glass of brandy at the photo graph.
Archer: Bitch.
The camera man exits swiftly, possibly fearing for his own safety.
GRUDGE MATCH
THE NEW SCHOOL vs. THE OLD COUNTRY WAY
WREX vs.NATE ORTIZ
We are brought back to the P3 Soundstage, with the spotlight on an empty wheelchair. After about a minute, Mugen (still wrapped in a full body cast) approaches the wheelchair and takes his seat behind the desk. He notices the studio audience staring at him.
Mugen: What? I was in the restroom.
Drago arrives with Bubba in tow and Mac attached to his chest via a harness. He pulls out a dog treat from his pocket and feeds Mac. He removes the harness and sets Mac down on the floor.
Drago: Good boy!
Drago removes a pair of glasses from his other pocket and puts them on.
Drago: Tonight we are very professional journalist.
Mugen: That’s right old sport!
The camera cuts to Graham Greene III hammerfisting a typewriter.
GGIII: I’m like a black Charles Dickens or somefin.
Mugen: Our next guest is a dear old friend of mine! I’ve known him longer than I’ve known you old sport! We go back to our days in Japan, tag teaming in the Sumo Hall to the Tokyo Dome and closing down countless bars in Shibuya. Please welcome Paul Pugh!
The Former World Champion wanders onto the stage with a slight look of confusion on his face
Drago: We gonna ask you a bunch of questions, and we want them answered immediately.
Mugen: You returned to in-ring competition at Riot 559, falling short against KD. What happened out there?
Pugh: Well, first off thanks for inviting me on this… whatever this is...
He raises an eyebrow at Drago
Pugh: Yeah, ring rust… I’m old… who knows - bad day at the office… I’m getting back on the horse, and its going to take some time to get back up to speed right? KD has always been a threat and I wasn’t ready. Just gotta get back to a point where I am...
Drago scribbles intensely on a notebook following Pugh’s response. The camera transitions to show Drago doodling a cat. He lifts his head and looks at Pugh.
Drago: End Games is tonight. What is the plan for Paul Pugh and will this be the end game for you?
Pugh: The plan? There’s no “end” game for this… I’m just here to make some towns, get some paydays… are you ok Drago?
Drago scratches his head and looks at Mugen.
Drago: Why is it End Games? Which game would be the end? How would we know which would be final game?
Mugen: I’ve never thought about it until now…..Who would name a show like that?
The Sensational Impersonator: It’s END GAMES. Whogivesaf*** about grammar and logistics and all that s***.
Mugen: IT CAN’T BE PLURAL YOU DUMMY. THAT WOULD IMPLY THERE’S MORE THAN ONE END
Drago: But how can we have more than one end?
Mugen: EXACTLY! SOMEBODY GETS IT. RAHHHHH
Mugen jumps up out of his wheelchair and starts stomping an imaginary fax machine in front of him before sitting back down.
Mugen: Anyhoot, Pugh, old sport. Can you let me know your opinion on cheese?
Pugh: What? What does that have to do with anything?
Mugen looks at Drago. Then he turns his attention to Bubba and Mac. Then he looks at GGIII and he finally shrugs while looking at the camera.
Mugen: What does anything have to do with everything?
Drago: That’s deep.
Pugh: I think I’ll be heading out of this interview now…..
GGIII: You are going nowhere. You are answering the hard questions bruv. Because I’m like a black Walter Conkite or something.
GGIII leaps up from where he is sitting and shines a flashlight in Pugh’s face.
GGIII: NOW WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT OF OCTOBER 1ST BRUV?!
Pugh: What are you doing you madman?
Mugen jumps in and holds GGIII back.
GGIII: SHOW US YOUR NEGATIVE TEST!
Drago jumps into restrain the livid GGIII as Pugh shakes his head.
Pugh: What is wrong with you jokers?
Mugen and Drago finally get GGIII to settle down as everybody takes their seats.
Mugen: Okay, serious question.
Drago: Who would you beat up more in a fight? Ryu Matsumoto? Or Spider Matsumoto?
Sensational Impersonator: I HATE HIM.
Pugh: What? That’s the same person.
Mugen and Drago look at each other bewildered and start thinking about it for a moment.
Mugen: Okay, so how bad would you beat him?
Pugh: Oh, it would be easy. I would slap him across the face. Kick him in the disgusting gut of his and then Pughdegree, 1 2 3.
Mugen, Drago and GGIII all nod in agreement.
Mugen: Certainly sounds like a plan. Now how would you handle yourself in a match against Mr. Sensation.
Sensational Impersonator: Wait what you say maddafu****?
We see The Sensational Impersonator make his way from the studio audience with fire in his eyes.
Sensational Impersonator: NOBODY CAN DEFEAT JAYSIN CLINTON SENSATION. THIS IS MY HOUSE AND YOU ARE PAYIN RE……….
At that moment, GGIII kicks The Sensational Impersonator out of nowhere right in the face.
JUSTIN JEHST vs.B17*