OCWFED.com Presents TURMOIL

   

As a now sort-of-familiar logo fades out, the scene fades in to reveal Colin Locke in an outdoor storage lot, and while the camera is focused on him, behind him, it is clear that this is a vast lot, with garages and storage lockers as far as the eye can see.

Colin: Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, and everything in between, welcome to Locke & Key!

As he shouts the name of the show with his almost Robot Wars-esque cadence, a drone camera pans out and over the scene to reveal that there is a small crowd of people in front of him cheering as the show begins. Colin turns around and begins walking as a camera follows him from the front, showing the crowd behind him following him, waving, making faces at the camera, and otherwise trying to become the newest gif on Reddit’s front page while Colin continues.

Colin: That’s right people, we have a drone now, and we also have absolute, definitive proof that in America, people will follow you around if you’ve been on TV a few times. We’re currently on our way to a lot that’s I’ve had my eye on for a while, it just so happens that one of my very generous fans-slash-colleagues-people-who-pay-me have given me the keys, so I can’t wait to see what’s inside.

He spins, turning to the fans before opening his arms wide and calling out;

Colin: You guys ready to see what’s inside or what?

Colin turns back to the camera with an exaggerated Matt Berry laugh and beckons it to follow him before the groups turns a corner and comes to a halt outside a garage.

Colin: Right, so you all know the drill, this is the one, you’re all gonna get your phones out, tweet me at @ColinLocke, and we’re gonna take ten seconds to guess what we’re gonna find when we open this thing up, are you all ready?

The crowd let out an exuberant yeaaaah!

Colin: Let the guessing commence, you’ve get ten seconds!

The cheering immediately stops and is replaced with absolute, complete silence as everyone takes their phones out, staring at them intently as a cartoon clock counts down the seconds in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen. When the countdown finishes, everyone sleepily looks up, like they’ve just shaken themselves out of a dream.

Colin: Alright, we’ve got some great replies, very few of them correct, some of you have clearly been reading the OCW cards, well done… One of you thought there was a car, which, I mean, good critical thinking, it is a garage, but it’s not right, someone thought there was another, smaller garage, and as much as I’d love a Russian dolls storage setup, it’s not right, but for now, it’s time to get that lock off, you all wanna see what’s inside!

The crowd cheers and Colin unlocks the padlock, letting it drop to the floor with a clang before giving a cheeky wink to the camera and lifting the door. A harsh white light emanates from the storage unit, and the crowd are split between averting their eyes and staring into the unit, mouth agape. Colin looks at the camera once again.

Colin: All you people at home, and in attendance tonight, though, you’re gonna have to wait a second. For now, I’m keeping what’s inside this locker under Locke and Key.

He slams the door down and the sound echoes as his entrance theme starts and the camera cuts to the Barclays Centre, the camera panning over the crowd.

Confetti falls from the ceiling as Colin makes his entrance. Stacy Clark is standing in the middle of the ring, which has two comfy armchairs in front of a Clark Effect backdrop.

Stacy: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my guest for tonight, Colin Locke!

Colin is given a microphone from someone outside the ring and Stacy invites him to sit down. The two take their seats, and once the cheering has died down, Colin raises the mic to his mouth.

Colin: Bloody hell, that’s a welcome. Thanks for having me here, Stacy, it’s good to see you properly, instead of from a low angle on a pile of frozen peas, that was a fun interview.

Stacy: It’s great to have you back, but before we start, I’ve got to ask, what was in that storage locker?

Colin: I knew it, you’re hooked! It’s where I got your invitation to the show. That, and a lifetime supply of party cannons, got enough confetti for everyone here, and enough for way more overly extravagant entrances.

Stacy raises an eyebrow and lets a slight smile out as she realises what this could mean.

Stacy: So you’re telling me that you receive some of your official business letters and schedules via storage lockers?

Colin: Nah, I’m telling you I receive all of my business stuff through storage lockers.

The two look at each other plainly in half-amusement, half-disbelief, before laughing and continuing on.

Stacy: Well either way, you’ve had quite the debut here, and towards the end of the season, too! We’ve already talked about your match with Jack-

Colin: Wait, don’t say it.

Stacy: What?

Colin: I’ve seen wrestling talk shows before, if you say someone’s name, their entrance music starts and you’ve got to fight them, I cannot be arsed with that right now, we’ve got a nice show going so far.

Stacy tilts her head as if to say ‘yeah, good point’.

Stacy: Recently, though, we’ve seen you with El P- well, let’s just say the International Champion, have you got your sights set high at the moment? Usually when we see wrestlers hang around champions there’s something more at play, I wanted to know your thoughts.

Colin: I mean, as much as I’d love to puff my chest up and go-

Colin affects an American accent which, despite sounding like a mix of Hank Hill and Hulk Hogan, is fairly convincing.

Colin: HWUAR! I tell you for hwut, brother, I’m gettin’ that title, y’all boys better watch out cause I’m gonna lock you up behind bars and beat your ass so silly you wouldn’t believe boy.

He laughs and steps out of it, back into his usual accent.

Colin: I’m fairly certain that getting served crisps and apple pie doesn’t get you title shots here. For the sake of international relations, it definitely should, but that is another matter entirely, and it would be hilarious to say ‘El Parca will rue the day he looked at my crisps’, I’m sure everyone would love to see that, but for now-

Stacy: You said his name!

Colin opens his eyes wide and thinks for a second;

Colin: And he’s not here. Hmm. I wonder if for the good guys, you’ve gotta say their name three times to make them appear? He’s an alright guy, probably not wanting a fight, I’m not worried.

Stacy: Who, El Parca’s an alright guy?

Colin: Yeah, El Parca, I thought you’d have met him?

El Parca’s music hits the speakers as the crowd erupts. Out comes Parca Dos Strap, no titles around the double champs waist as he has his hands behind his back quickly making his way to the ring.

The crowd can be heard shouting FIGHTING SEASON! FIGHTING SEASON!
Parca enters the ring carefully as he stands in the middle in front of both Colin and Stacy.

Colin: You tricked me, Stacy.

Stacy gives herself a little satisfied smile and does a small celebratory wiggle in her seat as Parca begins to speak.

Parca: Stacy! Colin! So nice to see you both. I don’t know what happened something in me was just told to come out here. But!

Parca spins and looks at Colin with his hands behind his back.

Parca: I have something for you amigo. Figure you’d enjoy it but, you gotta guess what it is!

Colin gets out of his seat and looks at Parca quizzically, not quite sure what to make of it.

Colin: Hold on, I’m not actually being offered a title shot because I was offered that meal, right?

He glances back over to Stacy, hoping for a clue, or an idea, but she seems to be as perplexed as he is.

Colin: Hmm. I don’t need more party cannons right now either…

Parca looks giddy and just blurts in.

Parca:
 Okay my hands are getting kinda hot, so BOOM!

Parca pulls a plate from behind his back covered with tin foil.

Parca: Last week I seen whatever that mess was you were eating! And so I asked mama Reese to help me with the real deal since y’know you’re not at home and I know how it can be to miss food from home!

Parca extends the plate over to Colin.

Colin: Hold on.

Colin raises an eyebrow, slowly putting the pieces of the puzzle together before taking his jacket off and using it as a makeshift oven mitt to take the plate from Parca. He lifts the foil up slightly to take a look at what’s under it, and once he sees it, his eyes light up. Colin lifts the tinfoil off of the plate and holds it up to the audience excitedly.

Colin: Pie and chips! Oh my god.

On the plate is a steak pie, and a portion of thick, British pub-style chips, both covered in gravy, still smoking hot. Stacy looks on the scene bemused, and Colin shakes out of his food-induced tunnel-vision and turns to her.

Colin: Do you mind if I…?

He vaguely gestures to the food and she gives a ‘go ahead’ motion. Colin motions to someone outside the ring, who gives him a fork.

Colin: Why do you give wrestlers forks? In my next match, please don’t give anyone forks. This is ridiculous. Right, let’s give this a proper go.

Colin digs his fork into the pie and eats a mouthful.

Colin: Oh my god. Yeah, that’s that proper stuff.

He sits back in the seat, covers the plate in tinfoil again and places it on his lap.

Colin: That is getting microwaved later. I’ve got no idea where you got that, Parca, but that’s got to be the only pie and chips I’ve seen since coming to America, that’s amazing. Now, I’ll tell you what, you seem pretty happy with the food here, so I can’t help much on that front, but, I do have a way I can pay you back. Next episode of Turmoil, on the next episode of Locke & Key, I’m gonna take you storage lot hunting!

There’s an audible reaction from the crowd, some oohs and cheers.

Colin: And it’s really, really important that we keep the word Lot in there, because otherwise it’s a trademark mess. What do you reckon, Parca?

Parca scratches his head as it finally clicks in.

Parca:
 Oh right you mean that really cool show called-

Parca is censored as Colin just shakes his head.

Parca: Oh wait.. Trademark mess got it! But absolutely amigo I’d be honored to go storage LOT hunting with you! You tell me the time and place and I’ll be there!

Colin: Amazing! I’ll get you all the details as soon as possible, we’ll get it sorted. Also, Stacy, I’ll make sure to give your show a namedrop as well, sorry for taking over your show.

Stacy: Don’t worry about it, this kind of thing’s fairly common. This is probably one of the more peaceful interruptions I’ve seen, actually.

Colin: Brilliant, well, again, thanks for inviting me, it’s been brilliant being here, and hopefully I’ll see you around soon!

Stacy: It’s been great having you Colin, once again, ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for my guest, Colin Locke, and let’s hear it for El Parca!

The audience cheers and Stacy gets up out of her seat to take centre stage, Colin gets up as well, following along with it, still holding the pie and chips.

Stacy: As always, I’ve been Stacy Clark, this has been Clark Effect, and I will see you all very soon!

The camera pans over the crowd as the segment draws to a close.

It's a Match!
MAXX EDWARDS vs. 

JUDGE LEROY BROWN III

 

 

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