BOSTON, MA
The Camera pans to ramp as an old nostalgic tune hits and the duo of Scaggs and Poling head down to the ring!! The packed crowd roars in excitement and begins to chant "WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK!
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Welcome to Chill Faktor 2017!!!! |
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You Vote They Fight! |
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We have an Amazing show for you tonight! |
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All killer no filler! |
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It's going to be a historic night! |
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I can't wait! |
PREVIOUSLY RECORDED:
The scene opens up in the midst of the streets of Boston, where a loud voice can be heard echoing over a megaphone. The distant rumbling of a large vehicle gets closer, until it enters the scene where we see a giant Boston Duckboat rolling down the street. The man at the helm is none other than Versus!
Versus: WELCOME TO BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS OC-DUBS! MMM YOU FEEL THAT CHILL IN THE AIR? THE STENCH OF THE CHARLES RIVER IN YOUR NOSE?
VERSUS: WHAT BETTER PLACE TO HOST CHILL FAKTOR THAN THE HOME OF YOURS TRULY!
Versus: And I am very excited to be joined by another one of my fellow Massholes, my former Rev Inc. colleague…. SOPHIA ORTIZ!!
Sophia: Whatsup OCW!!! Welcome to Beantown!!
Versus: It’s about Versusdamn time, right Soph?
Sophia: You got that right!
Sophia: So uh, Versus, I gotta ask, how’d you get a Duckboat?
Versus: A $100 Dunkin Donuts gift card gets you a lot of things in this town.
Sophia: Like a Duckboat?
Versus: Yeah, sure, why not?
Sophia confusedly nods.
Sophia: OK I won’t tell!
Sophia: Anyway! You can’t do Boston without at least seein’ the sights of this delightful city. What should we do first, Vers? We’re in the birthplace of some of the tastiest treats around!! Baskin Robbins! Brighams! FRIENDLY’S!!!
Versus: Mmmm let’s get sundaes. Heavy on tha Jimmies.
Sophia: Yea Jimmies!! Wait, can we say that anymore? Are we being PC?
Versus: Tomayto, tomahto. Fribbles for everyone!!!
Sophia: FRIBBLESSSSS!! I Gotta go get the Boston Globe paypah, I wanna read the Funnies!
Amidst Versus and Sophia’s excitement, a passenger interjects.
Stupid Pinkhat Tourist: Hey uh, can you guys put on “Shipping Off to Boston?”
The fun comes to a brief halt. Versus stops the Duckboat immediately. Sophia shakes her head and points to the door.
Sophia: This fahkin wise guy ovah heyah. Is that some kinda joke? Just get out.
The passenger sheepishly exists.
Sophia smiles as she waves and shouts out to him.
Sophia: Go pound saaaaaaaand!!!!!!!!
Sophia: Ahem! Now then. Onward!
Frightened passenger: What are all these towns on this map? Wore-sess-ter? Pee-body?
Versus: No no no, you mean WOOSTAH and Peebdy.
Passenger: HUH? That doesn't sound anything like how it's spelled
Sophia puts her hand on his shoulder.
Sophia: Of course not, silly. Nothing does. We’re in the ‘Land of the Lost R’s’
Versus: Mhm! You want correct pronunciations, go to North Carolina. Phonetics my ass.
Sophia: We do what we want with the alphabet here! Ain't no phonetics gonna tell us what to do! We Boston Strong!
Versus: Suck it New Yoahk!!!!
Sophia: Yea!! (Sorry abuelito)
The Duckboat rides suddenly become a little rough as the giant vessel travels down the old Boston cobblestone. The loud sounds of chatter and bickering fill the air.
Passenger: Oooof, my tum tum! (He begins screaming irrationally) What the- why the hell is this road so bumpy!?!?
Sophia: Wait till ya see our potholes!! I hear they once thought they found a small Asian family living in one off of I-95. Anywho!
Sophia: This is Mike’s Bakery...North End cannolis that'd make a Bill Ding proud.
Versus hands the passenger a long donut looking thing.
Versus: Heah, have a Crullah! Right ova heeah is wheah me and Sully took that pikcha with Matt Damon. He was all “Dude, my name is Ted, I’m tellin ya I’m not Matt Damon!” And we were all like “Yeaaahhh ok Matt Damon, just shut up and smile.”
Versus: To continue the tooah, this heeah, is the Old Noahhth Church, shit went down heah kid. Fah real!!
Sophia: And this beautiful building, I’m sure you’re aware of. It’s home of the legendary Celtics and Bruins. Up heah to the right, is Paul Reveeaaaah’s house!
Versus: Didn’t they film the erotic film “The British are Cu….”
Sophia: FENWAY FRANKS!! That’s where we’re headed next.
Versus: Not before we quickly drive through Faneuil Hall Marketplace.
Sophia leans in: You’re not supposed to drive through here...you know that right?
Versus eyebrows raise in a brief moment of concern. Then he smiles, nods, reaches into his pocket, and throws out 3, $100 Dunkin Donuts gift cards.
Sophia: So wise!
Versus: Now, over here is Cheeahs, this is a blasphemous bah, and should be condemmed. The real Cheeahs is on Beacon street and it’s called the Bull and Finch. It’s small, and full of yuppies. This is a very small mahketplace, so pay attention, weah about to pass a LOT of bahs. All of which, Sophia and I have frequented often.
Versus: This, is the Black Rose.
Sophia: Wicked good mahgaritas!
Versus: (takes a deep breath) Heah we have Ned Devines, Clarkes, Green Dragon, Durty Nellys, Durgin-Park, Blackstone, Mistah Dooleys…
Sophia: DOOOOLEYS!!
Versus: Anthem, Frost, Union, Tap Trailhouse, Warrens, Stirlings the Public House.
Sophia pushes up the tip of her nose with her index finger and makes a face.
Sophia: Wicked uppity.
Versus: Pahhhhkaahs, An Tain, Lahgham, Weaahhhouse, Hahd Rock, Hennessey’s, and last but nevah least…(catches his breath) Sissy K’s. Many-a-blackout has happened theah.
Sophia: Many.
Passenger: This is one block of Boston, and there are that many bars?
Sophia: Be glad we didn’t take you to Southie!!
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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WHAT!!!! |
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OCW BAWSTON CHAPTAH! |
The Xtron Flickers On!
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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Hehehe Bunny! |
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Hahaha |
The voters from every galaxy, timeline, alternate reality and dimension have spoken loud and clear. They want the ultimate debate of the cosmos for the OCW Lightheavyweight Championship between Tiberius Octavian Dupree and Ryu Matsumoto.
A Championship which is a catalyst and center of past, present and future timelines. The gravity of this event is staggering, the victor could hold undeniable sway over the universe as we know it.
The arbitrator for this debate is no other than Rufus Rukusingston the Thoid, former ally and enemy of both Dupree and Ryu. His pudgy belly gives his elegant robe a impregnated waifu vibe.
The camera pans around a huge galactic assembly hall filled with high ranking trashleks, beings of Betterforce, various versions of Dupree, Ryu and Mugen from different timelines, realities and dimensions.
Rufus stands in the center of the massive assembly hall ready to introduce the two speakers. He extends his arms in a grand but awkward fashion.
Arbit Rufus: Introducing first, he is one of the Forefathers of Ambition, a Intergalactic Interloper of great renown and Leader of TTT, Spider RYU MATSUMOTO!!!
Ryu descends stationed on an trash heap of a platform. Posed as a thinking emoji his representatives clap and cheer at his arrival.
Arbit Rufus: And introducing his opponent, also a Forefather of Ambition, he is a Hall of Famer, OCW Lightheavyweight Champion and Galactic Galavanter, Betterness TIBERIUS OCTAVIAN DUPREE!!!!
Tibby descends stationed on a platform of his own, but his pristine and elegant. His arrival is also touted by his supporters and allies. Both Tibby and Ryu stare at each other from across the grand assembly room.
Arbit Rufus: Now that both speakers are present we will begin. In the following debate you will discuss the past, present and future of your influence on OCW and the universe as we know it.
Arbit Rufus: Shall we begin?
Both Tibby and Ryu nod in approval, the lights darken and 3 spotlights appear, one on Tibby, one on Spider and the other on the arbiter. The camera fades as we await it’s continuation.
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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So many Trashes! |
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A sight to behold! |
Disciples of Pain vs Bunny D and Ligermask *C*
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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THEY DID IT! |
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They Really did it! |
The Great Beantown adventure continues with our two Massholes Versus and Sophia.
Versus: Oh! Gotta hit up the packie on the way to our next destination. Road sodas!!!
Sophia: Oh look, let’s stop off heeyah. Just in tha nick of time, pal!
The Duckboat screeches to a halt in front of a Tedeschi’s, and parks haphazardly on the side of the road taking up 3 and ½ parking spaces. Just as it should. The pair run in and emerge with bags of drinks and snacks for the tooooah.
Versus rips open a 24 pack and tosses them to people. One looks down at his can in hand and makes a face as he tries to pronounce “Narragansett”
Snooty Passenger: What the heck is this?
Versus: What? You too good for a ‘Gansett?!?!’
Sophia: Man, I’ve got a hankerin’ for somethin’ else though.
Sophia hollers: Ehy Charlie?? Chahhlie?? Is there a Chahhlie in the house?
Passengers look around among themselves confusedly before ‘Chahlie’ hops up to his feet.
Chahlie: Yo.
Sophia: Sup Chuck. Gimme a Cape Coddah.
Puzzled Passenger: Are we supposed to be making drinks here? Why ‘Charlie’?
Sophia: Almost all bahtenders in Boston are named “Chahlie” whether they like it or not. Cuz they make the best drinks!
Versus: Mmm lemme get one too. And double up on the Tito’s dude. Don’t skimp!
Passenger: Why is this ride taking forever?!
Versus: Cuz you need to see the mecca...Gillette Stadium.
The Duckboat passes a sign that reads “Welcome to Foxborough” and the stadium comes into view. At that moment, a golden aura emerges. Angels and chubby little cherubs begin singing. Is that... is that.....no…. Could it be?? Messiah?
Tom Brady descends upon the crew aboard his completely and properly inflated, not-tampered-with, football cloud.
Tom Brady: Welcome to our Kingdom. Many riches await you.
Tom Brady scans the crowd and his eyes stop upon one particular individual. He shakes his head in disapproval.
Tom Brady: Hey- but not you, buddy. Get out.
Deflated Passenger: Me??
Tom Brady: Yeah. You’re one of Roger Goodell’s cronies. I saw that article you wrote. The GOAT sees all.
Versus looks to Sophia and they immediately know what to do. They each take a side picking up the guy, and give him the ol’ heave-ho right outta the Duckboat.
Versus: Hit tha bricks, TOOTS!
Versus: Tom Brady is the only person Vs admires. Who prays to who, am I rite?!
Tom Brady: Good lookin’ out Vs.
Versus points to his eyes with his index and middle fingers, making the “we here” gesture.
Versus: What can I say. Divine recognizes Divine.
Tom Brady: Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta jet. It’s time for my daily Superbowl ring cleaning. Takes up a lot of time, having 5 rings and all. See ya!
The Messiah disappears into the sky, just as swiftly as he arrived, leaving diamond dust in his trace. The passengers remain confused, stunned, and mildly terrified.
Sophia: Now, do we have any questions so far? Non-stupid ones, please.
One passenger nervously raises their hand.
Tipsy Tum Tum Passenger: But what's that shadowy dark place over there?
Sophia: Oh. (Sophia frowns) That's Rhode Island. The trash can of New England. You must never go there.
Versus: They think coffee milk is a drink and drive like blind paraplegics but worse.
Sophia shudders.
Versus: Alright crew, we gotta mosey on back towards the Hub. Onward, Duckboat!!
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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The Adventure Continues! |
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Wu Tang! |