The arrogant newcomer adjusts the collar of his shirt as he waits for the undivided attention of the OCW crowd.
Archer: If you could all be so kind as to shut your sewer traps so that I could speak…
The crowd boo on cue.
Archer: Look, either you welfare goblins sit down, shut up and pay me the respect I am due or we are going to be here all night.
The crowd continue to boo.
Archer: I understand, you have to save all year round to get tickets to be here because you are nothing more than food stamp urchins who, let us be honest, are not even fit to mingle amongst the middle class.
The arrogant Archer laughs to himself.
Archer: Which is why you are not entitled to see my debut, my official debut, until I deem the management's choice of opponent to be of sufficient caliber. Even this arena, for lack of a better term, is nothing more than a dump... A dump in which I shall not use my precious limousine for fear of it being stolen or vandalised by you savages.
The fans begin to chant “you got tossed” over and over, bringing a sneer to Archers face.
Archer: How uncouth, whilst you are all to blame for not being born with a silver spoon in your mouth it does not mean you have to substitute it for a toilet brush.
The fans continue to boo and heckle Thomas everytime he tries to raise the microphone now.
Archer: Just as I said, I can wait all night, I actually have more than enough money to afford the food prices in this dump. Unlike you sir, yes, you.
Archer points to a man sitting with his kids.
Archer: I can see you’ve snuck in some snacks, that I can understand, the food in here is less than swill, however, it is against company policy and is contraband… Oscar… Michael… Please remove the transgressor and his brood.
The crowd now begin to turn more violent with their chants as the poor man and his family are removed.
Archer: Now, let’s address the anniversary show… That was not a wrestling match, it does not count… I have never been pinned, let alone made to submit. What that was… what that was tantamount to thuggery. Yes. Thuggery. You all like thuggery don’t you?
The crowd pops.
Archer: Thuggery.
A bigger pop.
Archer: Thuggery.
The crowd now begin to chant the word as Archer shakes his head in disgust.
Archer: You impoverished souls. I would thank you for your time but it has been nothing short of hellish and upon leaving the arena you will be expected to fill in an invoice so that I may bill you for the dry cleaning of my suit. It absolutely reeks of those I could avoid associating with.
Archer drops the mic and exits the ring, heading backstage, presumably to leave for the evening.
The camera pans to the announce team.
Next up is two guys trying to make their mark.
These two can have bright futures.
Ricky The Dragon vs Code Jackman
The camera pans to the announce team.
Okay.
And it is done.
As night fell on Toys R Us and the children frolicked away in eager anticipation of the overpriced trinkets mom and dad had purchased, a jittery man with shifty eyes hid himself away inside of a bright blue sided toy house with two white paneled windows and a modern style “glass” door. Luckily for him he was short statured and slid away quietly.
When the last customer finally left, the underpaid, less than attractive black haired lesbian closed out the register, made a half hearted sweep of the store and locked the door on her way out.
The mysterious man, barely able to contain his excitement, peered out from the window. In a fit of elation he stood up in celebration, instead he whacked his head on the plastic roof.
Man: OUCH!
Man: Quiet!
Man: Sorry!
The house floor is littered with an odd collection of items: a human femur bone, a golden goblet filled with a dark red substance, a bottle labeled “graveyard soil”, two small, dead snakes, Aries’ baby oil, a Chris Ryder duck face photograph, and a dark mess of hair that looked suspiciously like pubic hair.
He begins working. Into the goblet he pours the baby oil and graveyard soil. Pulling from his pocket a knife, he cuts the snake (turns out it was plastic) and scatters the bits into the goblet as well. Next he pulls out a lighter and lights it with a *click*.
Man: OH! Hot! Hot!
He drops the flaming picture into the goblet and the contents bursts into flames.
Man: And next, the pubic hair. He drops the pubic hair into the flames.
He begins to chant: Heeehumm, manta zooma, deholta, haarrury pputter, de stil a doga.
Raising up his arms the man lets out a echoing screech!
Man: Trance! Where are you! It is I! Loki!
Loki pauses for dramatic effect.
Loki: Fat Owl God, I have searched high and low. You are not at McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Buffalo Wild Wings, Arby’s, DQ, Dunkin Donuts, Taco Bell, or Wendy’s. I don’t know where else to look!
Loki looks around in despair: Owl God, speak to me! Loki slowly pulls from a shelf just outside the window a large bellied OCW Trance Doll.
Raising it above his head he shouts: Show me the way!
Loki places the doll on the ground and then pours the fiery contents of the goblet in a circle around the fat doll.
Loki: Where are you?
Loki pushes the palm of the hand.
Doll: Hail Satan!
Loki: I already called Satan! He doesn’t know where you are!
Loki pushes the palm again.
Doll: Chaos is a ladder.
Loki:....I don’t think you own that…
Pushes button again.
Doll: The blood of your enemies will be your fuel.
Loki’s eyes go wide: Who are my enemies?
Doll: Creed is literally the worst band ever.
Loki: Creed is my enemy! I must find these Creed people!
Without warning a voice explodes all around Loki.
Loud voice: Loki, I knew you’d come!
Loki jumps up and tries to jump out the window, destroying the house in the process.
Loki: OWL GOD! OWL GOD! Is that you!
Loud voice: Loki, when you don’t know where to start, go back to the beginning!
Loki: I will! I will! I will go back to the beginning!
Loki runs to the door, in his craziness he runs full speed into the glass door and bounces off it.
Loud voice: You have to unlock it!
Loki dusts himself off and unlocks the door before darting out into the night.
Meanwhile the two stooges who were on security for the night laugh their asses off at what they just witnessed.
