CHOPPING TRASH!
UNCLE TRASH vs. OWEN
In Sydney, Australia, the heat outside the arena is a far cry from the conditions inside the air-conditioned dome, but you wouldn’t know that from looking at one Paul Boulet, who has already worked up a sweat as he paces back and forth in front of Jim Black somewhere backstage. The stout Canadian seems to be bursting to say something as the interviewer leads us in.
JB: Good evening, fans--this man, Paul Boulet, set to take on Chris Greene and El Parca in an impromptu triple threat match tonight after an incident at catering on Riot.
Boulet paces back around to the microphone and leans in.
PB: Actually, there ‘as been a change of plans, monsieur noir.
Jim’s face creases with confusion.
JB: There has?
PB: Oui, oui, c’est vrai… you see, I have something else going on tonight. Something more important. I have yet another ten thousand dollar Loc Challenge to prepare for, and my hearty nordic constitution is flagging in this ‘orrible ‘eat.
JB: So you’re calling off the match!? You wait till Sensation or Cesar hear about this…
Boulet waves his hands dismissively.
PB: Non, non, I am not “calling it off.” Je suis un professionnel! In fact, I ‘ave found someone… I ‘ave recruited a brand-new wrestler NO ONE in OCW ‘as seen before. I ‘ave ventured deep into the wilderness and brought out someone who will be the perfect match for the animols that are in this ‘ouse, that being the ring.
JB: You mean Parca and Greene.
PB: Of course I mean Parca and Greene! Parca is, obviously, a snake. He has no loyalty, no morals, no honour, no game, no wahmen, and no ‘appiness in ‘is life beyond success in the ring. That ‘as made ‘im bitter, you see, and so he will do anything to keep that. He may be playing the nice young man out to atone for his sins, but soon enough you will all see ‘is true colours once my mystery man beats them out of ‘im like I did for Anthony Martin!
JB: Strong words for the multi-time champion… what about Chris Greene?
Paul rolls his eyes.
PB: What ABOUT Chris Greene? That question ‘as probably been asked more times by the OCW fans than “where is the respect for ‘all of famer Spider Matsumoto?” All he does is ‘ang out ‘ere and look like he ‘as potential, only to get spanked on live television. I ‘ave no worries about Chris Greene. Chris Greene is not a factor in this match. Chris Greene may as well be a second guest referee. He is wallpaper, Jim.
JB: Anything to say about his strong performance in his last match? He only lost because Derek Smith stole the pin off his move! I seem to recall your last match going less well…
Boulet is mad, now, shooting a glare at Black that could bankrupt an ice cream parlor.
PB: PALKHA AADNE IS A ROADBLOCK WITH A STUPID NAME, NOTHING MORE. He uses dirty techniques unsuitable for the squared circle. I was caught off guard by his uncivilized, crude, and crusty offence. That is all, and it is over. Palkha is old news. Tonight, I make someone tap out to the most dangerous submission in OCW, Jim. You sit… and watch, with your smart little mouth, eh?
He smirks cruelly and stalks off, leaving Jim to do the outro.
JB: A mystery replacement for the triple threat, and another ten grand challenge by this… individual, Paul Boulet. Who’s this brand new wrestler, and who will step up to the challenge? Don’t click off your stream and look up the Seltzer Report, staying tuned is the only way to find out!
TAG TEAM TURMOIL
RUMBLE BELLAS
vs.
BATTLE KITTENS
We cut to a bustling adoption center, phone lines going off with people constantly answering them, dogs barking, playing around and having fun, and one man, The Last Action Hero, B17 in the center of it all, surrounded by dogs piling on top of him.
B17: Stop it you guys, I need to keep up my Action Hero status. If you pups best me, then what good am I against 300 men?
A man walks in carrying 3 massive bags of dog food stacked over his head.
?: Dad, where do you want these bags?
B17: Can't you see I'm busy Bo? I'm playing with these amazing dogs.
He turns to the camera and it zooms in on his face.
B17: You too can play with these exquisite creatures! Adopt a dog today!
Bo: Dad seriously these are getting heavy. Where can I put them?
B17: Over near the counter is fine. Come do something useful and play with me and the dogs.
Bo places the bags down and reveals his face for the first time. This is clearly Joe Deaver but his mustache is twirled and looks like a reminiscent ‘stache from the past.