OCW NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP
ELLIOT PARKER vs. EL PARCA*
We tune in to the P3 Soundstage! Except it’s the “Best in the World” Drago Cesar and The Lord of the Lariat Mugen at their desks doing HR work. And by HR work, I mean Drago actually trying to address complaints for years past and Mugen shredding the rest. The spotlight shines on Mugen.
Mugen: Welcome one and all!
Drago slides in with his office chair.
Drago: To a brand new edition o-
Emp: HEEEEELLLLPPPPPP!!!!!
Mugen and Drago perk up at the sound of Emp’s voice echoing in the hallway adjacent to them. Mugen kicks the door down and is horrified at the sight of pixelated zombies banging on Emp’s boarded up office door.
Mugen: Good grief old sport! The headquarters have been zombified!
Drago does a tactical roll into the hallway, a staple gun in hand.
Drago: What they want?
Zombie 1: Titles…..
Zombie 2: HUNGRY…..FOR…..CHAMPIONSHIPS…..
Zombie 3: RYU........IS....HALL..OF.....FAME........
Zombie 4: GRAND…..SLAM………BRAINS……
Zombie 5: KIIIING OF OOOOOOO....C......W.........
Zombie 6: MIXED....TAG......CHAMPIONSHIPS.......
Zombie 7 : 19.......TIME.....DIJIIIIBOUTTIIIIII............
Drago: If they get to Empress and give her ultimatum, she not gonna have choice but to give them title sh.....oppourtunities!
Mugen: Gee willikers! This is terrible! We’ve gotta save her!
Mugen launches himself with a crossbody into a pile of zombies. Drago goes prone and uses his staple gun to take out a few zombies from afar. Mugen Imugenates a poor zombie through a wall! Drago runs out of staples and whips the staple gun at another zombie, causing them to collapse.
The coast seems to be clear. Drago knocks on Emp’s door.
Drago: You okay?
Emp: Yes….I think so. Are they gone? I’m sick of every other idiot asking me for a title shot.
Mugen: For the moment!
Drago: Wait, here they come!
From the other side of the hallway, we see more pixelated zombies rushing to Emp’s office.
Drago: Is that….
Our thought to be vaporized friend Fake Drago reappears from the 8-bit grave to demand title shots!
Fake Drago: HUBBA HUBBA…….I THE REAL BUBBA! YOUR CHAMPIONSHIPS. GIVE THEM TO ME. NOW.
The screen fades in and out for a few seconds while we pan back to real life! As it turns out, Mugen has been playing the new P3 Tower Defense arcade game, now available for five hundred dolans.
Mugen: Oh old sport, I’m almost there; I can feel it!
Drago pays him no mind while chipping away at paperwork. After about a minute of writing and doodling, his train of non-thought is interrupted by a young woman entering the office; former MMA fighter and current OCW competitor Jasmin Kaffee.
Jasmin: Uh… hi!
Drago: Come in, come in!
She shuts the door behind her and approaches Drago’s desk.
Drago: I seen you around! You doing good work out there. Always nice to see woman division grow.
Jasmin is taken aback by the friendliness of The World’s Greatest Hunter.
Jasmin: Thanks, uh. I just wanted to introduce myself since I guess we finally have an HR department now.
Drago: Yeah we trying to sort through bunch of documents, so much clean up.
Drago looks over at Mugen.
Drago: Well, I working through these paper.
He pulls out a post-it note.
Drago: Didn’t catch your name, it was Jasmin….
Jasmin: Kaffee. K-A-F-F-E-E. And the Jasmin doesn’t have an ‘e’ in it, my checks keep bouncin’ cause of that. Thanks!
Drago writes the name down on his post-it note, then pulls out his phone, appearing to text someone.
Drago (muttering to himself): What you think of….Jasmin….Kaffee…..?
He waits a moment before he gets a response.
Drago (muttering to himself): Thinking face emoji. Heart eyes emoji.
He smiles before he puts his phone away.
Jasmin: Sorry, what was that about?
Drago: Oh, we’re uh, working on project. Is secret.
Suddenly, a wild Young Ryan appears! He screams like a banshee before he careens into the arcade machine, throwing Mugen off his game.
Arcade Machine: EMPRESS HAS BEEN FORCED TO ACCEPT AN ULTIMATUM. THE OCW CHAMPIONSHIP NOW BELONGS TO JONNY D. YOU FAILED. YOU SUCK. GAME OVER. PLEASE INSERT FORTY QUARTERS.
Mugen: You little s***!
An enraged Mugen hammerfists the control panel and pursues Young Ryan around the room.
Jasmin: Wh-Wha-Who-!?
Drago: Might want to step aside.
Drago and Jasmin carefully walk over to the opposite corner while Mugen kicks Young Ryan in the gut, then sends him crashing through Drago’s desk. With his last gasp, Young Ryan pulls out an HR complaint form and flips Mugen the bird. Mugen lunges at Young Ryan.
Mugen: You son---
7 SEAS STREET FIGHT
VIKTOR KARMINE vs. CHRIS BAXTER