ROOKIE vs. LEGEND
ELLIOT PARKER vs. LEONHEART
Asher connects hard with the move that makes everyone groan in pain, Reese flings his popcorn into the air.
Reese: Lil’ buddy! Nooooooooooo! ONE. TWO. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.
Reese bites his nails before launching his popcorn halfway across the locker room, hitting, somehow, Damian Bourne in the back of the head. He’s still real to me damn it!
Reese: He kicked out! YES! BABY PARCA’s BABY BOY… Wait… I got that wrong…
Reese begins chewing his nails again, absentmindedly reaching for a family sized bucket of Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™. Now, instead of his nails he chows down on the family sized bucket of Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™.
Reese: Come on lil’ buddy! You can, you can! Ooooh!
Reese flings out his right leg, as if mimicking the Trouble in Tijuana, brutally assaulting Damien Bourne’s shin, colliding so hard it knocks him straight out of the locker room, and even perhaps, the company. A small chihuahua goes yapping after him.
Reese: Yes! Yes! He did it ! He’s not a coward! He’s Parca Dos Belts! Yeahhhh!
Reese jumps into the air, punching it for all to see. He doesn’t hang in the air, there’s no Sensational Crane available to provide that aesthetic tonight.
Reese: Yesssssssssssss! LUCHAAAAAAAAAAAA COUNTRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Somewhere, Cort Marshall wakes up in a cold sweat. We continue with reality however as Reese excitedly moves towards the gorilla position, and just as Parca emerges, he is met with a spear almost as thunderous as the one that turned Johnny Millionaires intestines to diamond dust as he’s talked to the floor.
Reese: Buddy!
Parca fights back the urge, nay, the necessity to cough up blood
Parca: BIG COUNTRY! You always have the best greetings my friend. Did you see that match though? Jesus almighty what a close one! Please.. Big Country, tell me you brought the goods?
Parca stands up dusting himself off as he props the International Championship on a nearby table.
Almost on cue, as if it was a live paid for advertisement, Reese whips out a family sized bucket of Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™.
But wait, there’s more. Reese reaches inside, and brings out a live action figure of El Parca, with chicken drumstick eating action. He flicks a little lever on the back, and it literally makes Parca eat chicken.
Reese: Look at you go! But wait, there’s more!
Somewhere in the background a ghostly figure with a goatee floats along, screaming about limited time television only purchasing deals such as the Hercules Hook, the EZ Crunch Bowl and the much loved OxyClean. Reese glances over his shoulder with great suspicion before shuddering.
Reese: It sure got cold in here all of a sudden.
Parca comedically is watching Reese as his mask is lifted up showing his mouth as he inhales the chicken.
Parca talks with a bit of a mouth full: Y-y’know B-Big Country. I always appreciated how great our friendship is. But there’s something missing big buddy, and do you know what that thing is?
Parca finishes the food as he grabs a bottle of water chugging it in one swift motion cause he has lungs of a fucking god.
Parca: Tonight, B17 faces Justin Jehst and, well.. I think it’s only your rightful time to become the World Champion buddy! I mean look at you! You pinned H2O TWICE! TWICE! DOS! AMIGO DOS TIMES!! Parca sticks up two grease infested fingers toward Reese.
Parca: But, it’s totally your call if you wanna go for it. I for sure want my big buddy, and my best friend to also become a Double Champion! We could be literally holding all the Turmoil Championships!
Reese scratches his head.
Reese: I dunno Parcy, am I allowed to be slammin’ for the world slammy championship? I mean they say you gotta buy the ticket to win the raffle, but what if I just wanna watch..
Reese twiddles his fingers.
Reese: You win the lottery, y’know? Because I’m happy with my family sized bucket of Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™. I just feel like the world championship would mean I don’ get t’ see mama as much, and I like seeing mama.
Parca: Oh that’s true.. I do love seeing Mama Reese as well. Can we go and see her now that our season is done? We need a well deserved break after all the slamming! A Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™ would go down good right about now.
For all the viewers at home, a literal bucket of Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™ appears on the screen, but not only that, a literal bucket of Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™ is on it’s way to anyone who purchased the pay-per-view.
Reese:Weeee-woooo! You’re gosh darned right, we can go swimmin’ and slammin’ and swimmin’ and slammin’ all night long by the creek.
Reese pauses
Reese: There’s a lil’ voice screaming in my ear saying that that doesn’t sound the way I thought it would…
Reese reaches behind his ear and quite clearly removes the producers earpiece and slams it into the ground.
Reese:Listen here Jimminy Cricket, I aint listenin to no bug!
Parca goes to speak but receives a light kick to the gut, before he’s wrenched up onto Reese’s gargantuan shoulders.
Reese: TO THE LUCHA MOBILE!
Reese thunders off into the sunset, carrying his tag partner like a sack of potatoes. Before we finish up the camera centres, focusing for one last time on a family sized bucket of Mama Reese’s © southern barbecue, hickory smoked barbecue bonanza ™
The Camera Pans To The XTron!