Backstage at Riot, the dulcet tones of screaming through a low-quality megaphone (accompanied by bass-boosted and heavily compressed military march music) echo through the halls.
Cort: Wake up! See the evil that has become of america! Drive the brownies out of their corner stores! Tax the poor! Give the rich free money and hope they put it back into the economy by buying 7 Ferraris and sticking them in a garage forever!
The rant gets louder as the camera swivels to see Bill Ding, emerging from his locker room.
Ding: What in the sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln izzat racket? A man's tryin' to get readay!
Cort: Computers are the devil! Japanese cartoons are the reason white people are losing the race war! Say no to waifus, they'll end your laifu!
Cort:
Taxation is theft and so is basic medical care! Poor people don't deserve to survive unless they prove themselves worthy in the battledrome!
Agitated, Ding rounds the corner to confront an approaching Cort Marshall.
Cort: Move aside, walking diabetes awareness campaign! I have to spread the good word!
Ding: Of who?
Cort takes the megaphone away from his mouth.
Cort: American Jesus! The only REAL one!
Ding: Oh daddeh, you comin’ round heeeyah a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ into that megaphone of yours…. alls ya gotta do is use them sewage pipes you call a voice to spew that noise!
Ding: You got meh feelin’ mightay patriotic with that music but papa, the story you slingin’ ain't quite jivin’ with meh. Tell meh, what makes you the Daddeh of the ‘Murican way? After all, the poor-ah peoplesth built thisth countray, the foundationnn.
Cort: Alright Bob the Builder, first of all… you see these?
He motions to his elbow pads.
Cort: I’m wearing more flags than you. So, by default, I am more American. Secondly, I know our beautiful country’s history. And I also know that the reason we’re in the poop chute is because of people like you!
Cort:
People who don’t want to foot the bill for airplanes to indiscriminately bomb suspicious desert villages! We’ll never win the war on terror until we sacrifice the education budget to put a really, really, really big gun on the moon.
Cort:
So step aside before I have your nose sign a declaration of independence against the rest of your face!
Ding: Cort daddeh, you got your noodle in a twist. You seem to got a case of what we call “silver spoon in tha mouth”. Just cause you out here shoutin’ ‘I know this! I know that!’ Well lessgo TIT FOR TAT, baybeh!
Ding: I seem them flags on your elbows and sureeeee I do love them colors. But ya see here, Marshall, you see these hands heeyah?
Ding holds up his meaty fists.
Ding: You can wear all tha flags you want and put tha biggest of guns on tha moon but that don't mean SNIT if you ain't got that MANPOWAH, tha SPIRIT of tha ordinary workin’ maaan that's willin’ to hunkah downn in the trenches!
Ding:
These here hands helpin’ pave the way of the mean, gravelly streets of tha American hustle, daddeh!
Cort: I barely understood any of that bizarre hood english, but it sounds like you want a fight against something other than heart disease.
Cort:
How about we settle it the American way, with senseless violence possibly ending in severe brain damage? Put your hams up and let’s see what the OCW fans think when I’m standing tall as you taste the spirit of america on the mat!
Ding: Well shut my mouf wide open! Now we speakin’ the same language, Corty! We both here with these fine Riot folks, let's tango tonight!
Cort: You’re on, Pillsbury doughboy.
The camera cuts away as they stare down… the stoppable force versus the immovable lard! It’s here on RIOT!
The camera pans to the announce team.
Looks like its OFFICIAL!
Cort Marshall vs Bill Ding? this is HUGE and not just in a Puntastic way either!
SENTAI HARE
vs
BERTHA STIGGLITZ
The camera pans to the announce team.
SHE GOT IT, SHE GOT IT!
WOAH!!!!
Kassidy sits in the TTT locker room alone, geared up and ready to go, adjusting his hood before slipping in his finger armor claws on his right hand. He pulls out a small glass vial that is glowing red, he uses it to to detail a glowing red accent onto each tip of his claws. Kassidy paces around the locker room, reciting something to get his mind set right for his match against Tobin,
Kassidy: I do not kick with my leg, those who kick with their leg have forgotten the face of their hoot father.
Kassidy: I kick with my mind.
Kassidy: I do not Superkick with my foot, those who superkick with their feet has forgotten the face of their hoot father.
Kassidy: I Superkick with my heart.
Kassidy: I do not,
Kassidy is interrupted when the door to the TTT locker room opens and it is none other than Anthony Baker.
Baker: I keep hearing the word Father, is my dad here?
Kassidy: No, Baker, he isn’t. If he was,
Baker: He’d be making you look like a squid,
Baker laughs but Kass doesn’t find it funny,
Kassidy: What are you even doing here? You and your arrogant friend H20 aren’t even booked. Leave me,
Baker: OH MY GOD JUST KISS ME!
Kassidy: what?
Baker: You’re still a dingleberry Kass, loosen up.
Baker closes the door behind him, leaving Kass puzzled.
The camera pans to the announce team.
What does that even mean?
If I knew I would tell you!
The Official Sponser of OCWFED.COM
TOBIN FROST vs KASSIDY HAYES
The camera pans to the announce team.
Wait what?
WHAT THE HALE?
We return to the very emotive ANGRY eyes of Trashlek MK1, the trash can shaped robot has been annoyingly threatening the OCW Lightheavyweight Champion since last time you saw them.
Dupree has tried talking to Trashlek, Dupree has tried hiding from Trashlek, Dupree has tried offering maple syrup to Trashlek, so far nothing has worked.
All Trashlek wants to do is VIOLATE, and only him apparently. (Tibby tried sacrificing Stacey Clark, didn’t work either.)
Trashlek now has Dupree cornered in the catering area... or so he thinks. Dupree has had it with Trashlek, and it’s time to end this well before future Ryu ends the universe as we know it.
Tibby taps his right knee and gets in his better battle stance. Trashlek squares up.
That also misses. Tibby looks livid, he stands still just staring into the snarky emotive eyes of Trashlek. As if he’s powering up for the knee of all knees, Dupree goes deep within himself.
Dupree: GOLDEN DRAGON KNEE OF BETTERNESS…………. SUPREME….AHHHHH!
I kid you not, a brilliant flash of golden light surrounds his knee as it moves towards Trashlek. Yet Trashlek easily steps to the side as if in slow motion, once again dodging a devastating knee from Dupree.
