The scene opens up on the P3 Soundstage with Drago and Mugen standing solemnly wearing matching black three piece suits designed by Virgil Abloh himself. The spotlight shines on the two as they begin to speak.
Mugen: We would like to apologize to all of our loyal fans this week for last week.
Drago: We were excited and angry at all the Trash that we not prepared our music.
Mugen: So we used a backing track to recreate the greatness of our #1 Billboard Hot 100 hit, MatsudaAaAaAaAa.
Drago: We promise do better.
Drago and Mugen bow their hands as all of the studio lights fade on and the P3 faithful crowd slow clap the show to life.
Mugen: BUT WE ARE NOT GOING TO GO DOWN QUIETLY!!!
Drago: That is right!
Bubba growls as “Fred Durst” is seen jumping around where the band is located wailing on his guitar.
Mugen: WE GOT!
Drago: OURSELVES!
Together: A TIME MACHINE!
The audience start roaring in approval and start spraying their water bottles at each other for no reason.
Drago: We have to be careful here. If we mess with past, we change present and future!
“Fred”: That’s deep.
Mugen: Old sport, WE aren’t going backwards or forwards in time…..
Mugen grabs a remote from his desk and starts pushing some buttons on it.
Mugen: We’ll be bringing someone from the past to our wonderful present!
Drago shakes his arms in excitement.
Drago: Oh, oh! Who we bring to show? Abraham Lincoln?
Mugen: No, that’s too far in the past.
Drago: Tupac????
Mugen: No, he’s too dea-
Drago: Who????
After a final button press by Mugen, the lights start to dim as the time machine charges up and starts rumbling all around the stage. Drago, Mugen, and Bubba take cover behind the couch as the machine spins out of control before it finally stops. The crowd goes silent.
Drago: It no work?
Voice from the time machine: I’ll keel you, I’ll eat ya children.
Mugen and Drago both look at each other with eager excitement like this was Christmas morning at 8:45 AM and they just got a Nintendo 64.
Together: MIKE TYSON!!!!!!!
As the door opens, we do not get the Mike Tyson that has been featured in Hollywood blockbusters like The Hangover but instead……..we somehow get peak madness Mike Tyson from the late 1990s.
Mike Tyson: LENNOX LEWITH, I’M COMING FUH YOU
Drago: It really him. My idol, M. Tyson. Just like from video games.
Drago attempts to run at Tyson for a hug but Tyson turns immediately towards him and readies his fist for a punch. Drago sees himself getting knocked out and jumps to his left into the couch and out of the way.
Mugen runs his way over waving a white flag at Tyson.
Mugen: I don’t want no trouble! I just want to welcome you to our show. This is the year 2019.
Tyson: 2019? Where’th Evanda?
Mugen and Drago look at each other and shrug.
Mugen: See Mr. Iron Mike, we plan to use this time machine to get some of the most influential and most powerful figures in history of time to give us advice and get us into our peak mental shape. And to also intimidate our opponents.
Tyson: You know I don’t do interviewth with women unless we fornicate right?
Mugen and Drago look at each other bewildered.
Drago: O-Of course! Uhh…..Here, have seat on couch.
Drago points Tyson to the couch. He has himself a seat while Bubba backs off in fear.
Mugen: We need your advice in order to deal with the attacks by Trash Spider and Trash Matsuda.
Drago: Matsuda kick me in nuts!
Tyson: Mathuda? Thpida? Who the thuck are theth guyth?
Drago looks at the hard camera.
Drago: EXACTLY!
Drago and Mugen laugh uncontrollably while the camera pans out to “Fred” wearing a Don King wig.
“Fred”: Machiavelli taught me it was better to be feared than loved. Because if you are loved they sense you might be weak. I am a man of the people and help them but it is important to do so through strength.
Drago, Mugen and Mike are all bewildered at what they just heard and are staring at “Fred” blankly and blinking. Fred thinks for a moment tapping on his wig.
“Fred”: It ain't about if he knocks a guy out. It's about how he knocks a guy out. It's the style, the improvisation.
Drago, Mugen and Mike all go “Ohhhhhhhhhhh” in unison and nod at the quote that makes a lot more sense.
Tyson: Don ova there ith right. You gotta knock them out. Do whateva you can to knock them out.
Mike starts shadow boxing in his seat and Drago starts going nuts and copies his shadow boxing. Mugen also starts doing it and hits the desk he is sitting at until it explodes into pieces.
All 3 Together: AHHHHHHHHH!
Mike: MATHUDA! THIGN THE CONTRACT BIG BOY. ILL THUCK YOU TILL YOU LOVE ME….
Mugen and Drago interject knowing the next word to come out of his mouth.
Mugen: MATSUDA! SPIDER! YALL AINT NO ALEXANDER.
All 3 Together: WE ALEXANDER.
“Fred” jumps into the scene wailing on his guitar playing Rollin in the Air Tonight and right at the end of the drum sequence, Mike Tyson swings right at his jaw sending him flying across the soundstage.
Mugen and Drago: Wow, he’s still got it.
Tyson: Of courth I do, I’m Mike Tython f..
We will be right back.
The camera pans to the announce team.
Hahahah!
Sigh!
The Camera Pans To The X-Tron
The camera pans to the backstage area, where a dozen of superstars are chilling before the show in what seems to be like a big cafeteria, some nice couches and a cheap buffet.
Rust Cohle walks into the room full of confidence, thinking people would stop talking when they see him.
No reactions what so ever.
Rusty stops in the middle of the room and clears his throat loudly.
Rust: Mmmmph mmmph MMMMMMPH.
Still nothing.
Rust, annoyed by the situation, picks up a fork and goes straight to the buffet.
Suddenly, while he is looking at all the dirty victuals, a familiar and visibly mouthfull-ish voice calls him.
Aisu: Wrustfy ! Ovfer here !
Aisu is all alone at a table, far from all the others. Rust joins him.
Rust: How you doing Ais, btw don't scream at me like that, I have a name around here..
Aisu starts to laugh, mouth full of FRENCH FRIES.
Rust: Goddamit Su ! That is horrible, keep your mouth shut. And I am glad to find you here to be honest. Not mixing with those ass licking IDIOTS.
Aisu: To be fair.. When I walked in, I took my plate, then I went to sit amoung them. They all left the table. I even heard a bald guy with "AMERICA" pants say "Another French." and he also left..
Rust: Pffft. Don't pay attention to them. And what did you say to them ?
Aisu looks confused.
Aisu: Nothing. I mean they must have their reasons..
Rust: For Trash sake Aisu, I know what is your problem.
You are too KIND. Don't be gentle. These people are FAMEholes. Stand up for yourself and smack one of em. I'll be watching.
Aisu: Really ?.. Hum.. Okay..
Aisu stands up akwardly and adresses his passionate crowd.
Aisu: Hey.. Hey y'all over there.. You are not kind. Be cool..
He sits down.
Aisu: How was I ? Do you think I was convincing ?
Rusty looks at him, stun. He leaves the table and has a final word for his long time buddy.
Rust:*SIGH*.. You could never be a bad guy Ais.. But that doesn't necessarly means it's a bad thing.. Don't change Bud. See you around.
Aisu stays there, visibly saddened by the all situation, as the camera fades..
The camera pans to the announce team.
Interesting!
To say the least.
The Camera Pans To The X-Tron
We cut to a nondescript training room, ostensibly backstage somewhere at Riot, featuring a ring, some heavy bags, and assorted weightlifting equipment. Cort Marshall and Tre Golden are watching AC Cobra go after one of the heavy bags. Cort is dressed in his ring gear, plus the addition of his old Drill Sergeant hat and whistle.
Cort: 1-2-3-4, keep up that rhythm Private! You think the enemy is going to be afraid of this!? NO, sir, they’ll shove you into a barrel and down a steep hill!
AC is working hard, having been at it a while. He throws two rights but misses a left, blinded by the sweat running down his brow.
Cort blows the whistle.
Cort: Mistakes are lethal, private! Drop and give me twenty!
AC slumps to the floor.
AC: Can I make that ten?
Cort: THIRTY FOR ASKING QUESTIONS YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO!
Golden watches AC struggle for a moment before talking to Cort.
Golden: Don’t you have a big match tonight yourself?
Cort nods curtly.
Cort: I do. But America… is always ready.
He turns his head and stares directly into the camera before winking.
Golden: Except during Pearl Harbor… listen Cort, I know sparkles better than anyone here, better than he knows himself probably. Kass is dangerous and you’ve lost to him in… less than ten minutes before.
Cort: That was the old me. The new me is slightly older and more sore, but also MUCH BETTER at strategy!
Golden: Just sayin’. Besides, you don’t look so jacked neither, homie.
He points to Cort’s arm.
Cort: I’m 37 and don’t do “supplements,” man, what do you expect? Fine, we’ll leave Cobra to uh… wallow in his own bodily fluids over here and spar! No excuses!
They spar for a good couple minutes, with Tre getting the upper hand for most of it but never fully taking over on ol’ Marshall. Afterwards, they both retreat to their respective corners.
Cort: Not… too… bad…
He wipes the sweat off his brow, unwilling to admit how challenging that really was! Tre laughs while still bouncing on his toes, shadowboxing but breathing a little heavy.
Golden: Not bad yourself, old man. Just don’t stress those creaky ass knees! Sound like the tin man over here!
Cort smirks.
Cort: It’ll happen to you.
Golden: When you have the power of the Fro you never grow old.
Both men are distracted by the dying whale gasps of Cobra, who’s lying on the mat.
Cobra: Please, Link Christ help me.
Cort: All right, you’re done for the day. Good job. Well, sorta.
Cobra rolls over to look at Tre.
Cobra: Ok, who’s hungry? I’m thinking of getting a Dew protein shake. Great protein in it.
Golden rolls his eyes.
Tre: That stuff is gonna give your soft ass a heart attack homie, you’re drinking coconut water from now on.
Golden: Now let’s hit the showers, we have a lifting session later.
Golden helps his friend up as we fade out.
The camera pans to the announce team.
GET IT!
Ooof!
ANTONIO EVERRETT
vs
HIJO DE MISTICO
The camera pans to the announce team.
He got all of it!
Indeed he did!
Part Two
We return to back to the sit down interview between Jim Black and Kassidy hayes, Kassidy is placing his first bottle of Body Armor down.
Jim Black: With that rumor killed we can move onto other matters, like Kasstianity, would you care to give OCW viewers a part of a sermon you have been doing on tour?
Kassidy smirks,
Kassidy: Sure Jim, I could do that and I will do that but none of the parts that would come at a premium cost; no, you all will get a lecture and not a song.
Kassidy leans forward a bit,
Kassidy: One of the biggest parts of Kasstianity is that we believe a disease that keeps spreading needs to be stopped; it is a primary goal of Kasstianity to end STC and before you ask, that is Sexually Transmitted Children. The human race has been a disease going without check up until now.
Kassidy: Kasstians are not born, they are only converted and a Kasstian will not procreate another life into being. There is simply to many of you on this planet and your spread needs to put in check. People say, I low blowed Drago to save face or that I low blowed Pugh to get a advantage but No, I was simply trying to do my part and make sure there isn’t another generation of THEM!
Jim:.........
Kassidy: And I will continue to do my part by making sure #NoDickisSafe2019. Win, Lose, or Draw, my opponents need to be ready because I am simply going out there to make sure when it is all said and done, that there is less of a chance of having a little version of themselves stomping about.
Kassidy: I had these prepared for this, show’em on screen,
Kassidy: These were just the start because the whole roster is on the list, with some at the top needing to receive more than one; like Harvey Ocean, “Our Hero” Jaysin Cacsation, Nate Ortiz, and Buddy Burns.
Kassidy: those are the exact type of people we definitely do not want another generation of. We don’t need another Ortiz coming into this business to hold down talent.
Kassidy: We don’t another ignorant angry man calling fine, outstanding, amazing women like Valkyrie, raggedy bitches.
Kassidy: We don’t need more delusional, over confident, losers coming off the name Ocean and we certainly do not need more pure disgusting scum of the earth, like Buddy Burns.
The entourage of Ghoul Priest standing off screen begin to give Kassidy a standing ovation. To Be Continued
