The scene opens with the image of a smoky New York alleyway. Barely visible dumpsters line the sides, rodents scurry here and there. The wind blows a newspaper around within view. We begin to hear a faint and eerie voice saying “jamonnnnnn…. jamonnnnnn….. “
The cameras zoom in behind a trash can that comes into view. Then suddenly, a crazed looking creature jumps out from behind it! It appears to be a giant moldy ham sandwich, with jagged teeth and glowing devilish eyes. It SHRIEKS into the camera, with a shrillness that echoed throughout the misty alleyway “AYYYY MI CUELOOOOOO!!!!”
Bill Ding falls out of his chair and startles himself awake.
Bill Ding: Ahhhh noooo not the jamon!!!
He looks around the empty locker room very confused.
Bill Ding: Oh.. (Rubbing his face, wiping off drool) Musta been a nightmare… OOOOF I dunno if I'll ever have Cuban meat again.
Bill Ding looks at his watch
Bill Ding: Speaking of Cuban meat, I gotta fite Porker tonight!! I'm so excited but... I'm so nervous! I mean this is huge, Daddeh. This is the big time!
Bill Ding: I gotta calm mah nerves… nothing a good ol’ fashioned chicken salad sandwich can't fix.
He reaches for his backpack and digs through it.
Bill Ding: Where are ya, sammie? I'll never stray again.
Instead of a sandwich, he pulls out an envelope addressed to him. The postmark reads “Compton, CA”.
Bill Ding: Oh yea! My demo! A souvenir from my adventure in Compton! Recordin’ in G-Dubs recording studio was a damn good time Daddeh. I never did get a chance to listen to it.
Bill separates the envelope seal with his thumb and shakes out the flash drive, dropping it into his hand. He grabs his laptop, plugs in the flashdrive, and hits “PLAY”.
The camera cuts back to Ding, showing him on his feet two-stepping and still bobbing his head to the beat.
Bill Ding: Awwwwww yeaaaaaaaa! (Bill starts hopping from side to side. He is feeling the motivation!!) I'm ready, daddeh- I'M READY!!
Bill starts getting even more hyped. He grabs the camera and sticks his finger in it, poking the lense.
Bill Ding: Porker Nevins!!! CUBANO DADDEH!! I'M COMIN FOR YOUUUUU, PAPI!!!
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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That was amazing! |
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........I got bars.....you...know... |
JAKUB DE'RELIC VS BRAY S. KRUGER
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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He got all of it! |
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Word up! |
The scene takes place halfway up mount Everest. There is blizzard but in that blizzard you can see a moving vehicle. The camera moves in closer to reveal the Harambe mobile. It's moving up and down and all over the place. We go to the inside of the Harambe mobile where both Flynn is at the wheel and Matt is giving instructions.
Matt: "Left."
Matt: "Now right."
Flynn: "He better be up here."
Matt: "Left again."
Matt and Flynn have been doing this for hours, Flynn is exhausted and starts to fall asleep at the wheel.
Matt: "Right."
Flynn doesn't respond, and misses the turn.
Matt: "Flynn???"
Flynn doesn't respond. He is out but they're approaching a cliff that they're about to drive straight off.
Matt: "FLYNN!!!"
Flynn wakes up.
Flynn: "S***!"
Flynn takes back control of the wheel just in the nick of time and turns left.
Flynn: "That was a close one."
Matt: "We almost died."
Flynn: "We didn't."
Flynn stops mid sentence as he can see out of the front screen on the Harambe mobile what appears to be a church.
Flynn:"This must be it."
Flynn puts his foot on the break and stops right outside the church. It's freezing and Matt and Flynn have no coats. They quickly get out of the Harambe Mobile and makes their way to the front door of the church.
Flynn knocks on the door.
Matt:"You're kidding?"
Flynn:"It's polite to knock."
Matt:"Screw that. I am freezing my nut sack off."
Matt pushes open the door but it's still freezing. The church looks empty and it looks like it has been empty for years. Flynn turns to Matt.
Flynn:"We spent weeks getting here, come all this way for this. We got hardly any fuel left and could quite possibly freeze to death and man do I need to piss."
Flynn opens his zipper and starts peeing in the abandoned church.
Matt:"Dude come on, it's a church for Christ sake. The house of god."
Flynn:"An empty one and I don't believe in God so we good."
Voice:"YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD!"
Flynn stops peeing.
Matt:"Who's there?"
All of a sudden the door Matt and Flynn entered shuts and all the lights come on as the warmth starts to fill the room. Flynn who is kind of embarrassed now as he literally thought the church was empty.
Voice:"HOW DARE YOU PEEEE IN MY CHURRRRRRRRRCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Matt knows that voice. He looks up at the top of the podium but it's not the man who he was expecting. Sitting down on the world's biggest chair ever, is a huge overweight man a gown. The man stares down at them from his chair.
Matt Sheldon:"We embarked on a long journey to find Soul Glo, please tell me where we can find him."
Voice:"You're looking at him."
The light shines over the man to reveal his afro. The overweight man is in fact Soul Glo.
Flynn:"We came all this way to find that?"
Soul Glo:"You came all this way to pee in my churrrrrrrrrrrchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? You better get that mop over there and clean it up."
Flynn grabs the mop and begins to mop up the floor where he decided to piss. He is tired and is looking rather grumpy.
Soul Glo:"You need to put some SOULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL into that mop, it won't clean itself."
Soul Glo pulls out a cheese burger.
Soul Glo:"That's ok you can leave now."
Matt:"That it then? We came a long way and that's all you have to say?"
Soul Glo: "Hey, I didn't ask you to come up all this way into my chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
Matt:"Come on Flynn, maybe the Air's old monkey can be the third member to join our band."
Matt and Flynn are about to leave when...
Soul Glo:"WAIT... Did you say band?"
The podium where Soul Glo is begins to come down. Soul Glo is massive.
Soul Glo:"I always wanted to be in a band. I'll join you guys. Kinda lonely here in this churrrrrrrrrchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh anyway."
Flynn:"If you want to join our band. It's going to require you to get out of that chair and lose a few pounds."
Soul Glo:"I haven't gotten out of this chair in years. I been stuck in it for over 2 years."
Flynn:"Then how do you go to the bathroom?"
Soul Glo:"There is a hole under my seat and under this podium right into the mountain sewers. I can plop and pee whenever I want."
Flynn: "WOW!!!"
Matt:"Enough of this toilet talk. We're not carrying you around with us. If you want to be in our band then you are going to have to lose all that weight."
Soul Glo:"Help me get fit again and in return I will help you bring some SOULLLLLLLLLLLLLL into that band of yours."
Before Matt can respond.
Flynn:"Deal."
Soul Glo: "Now can you please help me out of this chair."
Matt and Flynn get behind Soul Glo's chair and begin to push.
Matt: "This wasn't exactly what i had in mind."
The scene begins to face out as we return to the September 2 remember arena.
The Camera pans to the announce team!
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THEY DID IT!!! |
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